


Balancing the Scales

by emynn (orphan_account)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-19
Updated: 2013-09-19
Packaged: 2017-12-27 00:23:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/972085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/emynn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Severus had long realised love was a transactional affair, one from which he never benefited. But perhaps now that will change.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Balancing the Scales

Severus had long realised that love was a transactional affair, one from which he never benefited. 

He had tried desperately to love his parents, even as he sat cowering in fear as they screamed at each other. Attempts to impress them with his superior academic achievement or growing magical prowess went unnoticed as they were blinded by alcohol, jealousy, and rage, not to mention their empty pockets. Once upon a time Severus had resented them, but now he felt only indifference.

He had loved Lily, his first and best friend, for so many years. He could look back on some of his memories of her fondly, but mostly they were tainted by knowledge of where that friendship would lead. Loving Lily, as sweet as it may have been at the time, resulted in Severus being stripped of his pride and his dignity, and ultimately his freedom. A Severus Snape who had never loved Lily, never felt such grief and guilt over her death, would never have spent decades of his life seeking atonement. Oh, certainly he would have worked to destroy the Death Eaters, but it would have been on _his_ terms, not orders passed down by Dumbledore, a man who told Severus he loved him as a son and yet was ultimately even crueller than Severus’ own father.

He’d had his share of affairs while in school and even a few years after. But he had learned soon enough that whatever emotions Sirius and Lucius felt for him, they certainly were not love. Those encounters left him feeling dirty, ashamed. And yet, for far too long, he had persisted in his attempts to win them over, led on by the foolishness of his traitorous heart.

And so, when he had finally learned to close his heart off to the human species, he instead turned to his studies. He rediscovered his love of creating spells, of forming words that obeyed his thoughts. He fell back more deeply into his love of brewing, working with ingredients that behaved predictably and wouldn’t betray him. He could trust these things. Perhaps they would not love him back, but they provided him with enough satisfaction to get by. And, most importantly, he never had to fear for the day when they would abandon him. There was nothing he could trust more than those things without hearts of their own.

Gradually, when he had returned to his position as Headmaster of Hogwarts after several long months of recovery, Severus grew to love even more simple pleasures. A glass of wine in front of the fire at night cast away unpleasant memories and allowed him to sleep peacefully at night. Long walks under the stars reminded him that no matter how tumultuous his life had been, he was one small piece in the universe and there was so much more to come.

Much to his surprise, Harry Potter loved those things as well. At first Severus had been reluctant to share them with him – he was, after all, a possessive man, even with his hobbies. But Potter never forced the issue, never insisted that his love of those simple pleasures exceeded Severus’ own, and never denied him when Severus needed a night alone with those small acts that had brought him comfort for so long. And so, against his better judgment, Severus allowed Harry to share those loves with him. 

As even more time passed, Severus learned that Potter loved quite a number of things, things besides even Quidditch and causing trouble. He loved mocking the _Prophet_ and engaging in passionate debates, sometimes even just for the sake of arguing. He loved looking out over the Great Lake and watching the small ripples across the surface. And he certainly, _certainly_ loved baklava, especially when the House-elves were liberal with their use of honey. Soon Severus found that he loved these things as well, and he especially loved them when Potter was sharing them with him. 

Suddenly, Severus realised that somehow loving doing all these things with Potter had somehow morphed into loving _Potter._ It was the most terrifying moment of Severus’ life. He had sworn off loving others, and had succeeded for years in this quest. But now it seemed that such feelings, so long denied, grew stronger than ever. The emotion he felt for Potter far exceeded anything he had felt for anybody else in his life. 

That made it all the more terrifying as he considered just how very much he would lose this time. Would it be his sanctuary at Hogwarts once this unlikely friendship soured? Or, arguably worse, would he lose his sanity? For wasn’t it the very first sign of insanity to fall in love with Harry Potter?

Severus decided to solve the problem by refusing to see Potter. He ignored him at meals, brushed off his attempts to converse with him in the corridors, and denied him entrance to his rooms when it came time for their usual Wednesday evening wine. 

Naturally, of course, Potter refused to go quietly. He did not waste a single opportunity to seek Severus out, and spent hours pounding at his door. It was clear Potter’s stubbornness did not abate with age. 

Severus sighed and looked up at the stars. He’d thought he was safe. He’d gone so long without feeling the pangs of romantic love that he assumed he’d spend the rest of his life immune. What man his age, after so many years of solitude, fell in love? 

“I’ve brought baklava.”

Severus turned; of course it would be Potter standing there. He cursed himself for aching to reach out for him. It took every drop of will-power Severus possessed to keep his face schooled in a stern expression, even as Potter moved closer.

“I’m not hungry,” Severus said.

“Something’s wrong,” Potter said, setting a small bundle Severus assumed was the stolen baklava on the ground. “You’ve avoiding me. If I’ve done something wrong, won’t you just tell me?”

“You’ve done nothing wrong,” Severus said.

“So then what is it?” Potter asked, moving ever closer. “One day everything’s great, and the next you want nothing to do with me.” 

Severus said nothing. Instead he crossed his arms and turned away from Potter, casting his gaze across the Great Lake. 

Potter sighed. Severus didn’t turn to look at him, but he could sense that Potter was moving even closer to him, until he was standing nearly shoulder-to-shoulder beside him. 

Standing there with Potter, looking out at the stars reflected in the lake, like so many other evenings they had spent together, it was easier to speak the truth. “It’s safer this way.”

“Safer how?” Potter asked, not turning to face him. 

“For things to remain… undefined.”

“You’ve lost me, Snape. What is it we’re not defining?”

Severus shook his head. While these nights out on the lake typically calmed him, he now felt a million thoughts spinning about his head, and he couldn’t centre on one to pin his attention to. “I can’t trust you,” he finally blurted out.

He knew immediately he had chosen incorrectly. There was a sharp inhalation of breath from his right side, and then Potter quietly said, “I see.”

“Potter,” Severus said, and, turning to face Potter, grabbed him by the wrist. Potter’s eyes flashed with pain and some other, deeper emotion, and Severus suddenly knew exactly what he would lose should he allow himself to fall completely in love with Harry Potter.

He would lose his entire self.

“I didn’t mean that,” Severus forced himself to say. 

“What did you mean then? You know I would never reveal anything you’ve shared with me.”

“That is not my area of concern,” Severus said.

“Then what?” Potter pleaded. “I don’t understand.”

“That’s precisely it,” Severus replied. “I don’t understand. I don’t understand how this happened. I don’t know how you would react to such a revelation. I don’t know how it will change my life or how it would change yours. There’s entirely too much at stake, and –”

Severus stopped talking as Potter’s lips covered his own. He froze, and then as Potter wrapped his arms around him, pulled him in a tight embrace. Potter’s mouth was hot and sweet, and yes, Severus _was_ losing himself. But it wasn’t entirely a bad thing. He felt calmer and yet also more invigorated than he had in years, and he didn’t want to let Harry go, lest it turned out it was all a dream.

And yet, a long moment later, they paused for breath. “What was that for?” Severus asked, his chest heaving.

“You were worrying me,” Potter said. “I just thought it might slow you down, have you take some deep breaths.”

“It’s rather hard to breathe with your tongue down my throat.”

Potter snorted. “Sorry about that. Did you mind?”

Severus paused. “No.” 

Potter sighed, and reached for Severus’ hand. With gentle fingers, he stroked his palm in a soothing movement. “Will you please tell me what’s going on? 

“I’ve come to some… realisations,” Severus said. “None of them good.” He glanced up at the stars again, and suddenly felt as though lying in their presence would be as much of a sin as slaying a unicorn. Swallowing deeply, he confessed, “I believe I may be… falling in love.”

Potter looked wary. “Isn’t that typically a good thing?”

“Not where I’m concerned. Nothing good ever comes of it. The loves of my life, such as they were, have always left me bereft.”

Potter offered a weak smile. “Perhaps this time it would be different.”

Severus shook his head. “No. When I examine all my past loves, all gone wrong, there is only one common denominator: me. Where the fault lies is obvious.” He looked down at where Potter was still gripping his hand. “No good can come of loving me.”

“I don’t know,” Potter said. “I’ve loved you for quite some time now, it’s only done me good.”

Severus’ jaw dropped. “Excuse me?”

“I have something to look forward to,” Potter said. “Somebody who understands me, and what it was like to be in the war. Somebody who knows what it’s like to have to make those horrible decisions, and who doesn’t judge me for it. Somebody I can let my guard down with. Somebody who can make me laugh.” He shook his head. “Of course, I might be a bit late, what with you falling in love with –”

Severus cut him off with a kiss. “You,” he rasped against Potter’s ear. “Only you could tempt me again.”

“Severus,” Potter breathed. “You –”

“Yes,” Severus said, brushing Potter’s fringe back from his face. He could scarcely believe he was standing here with Potter, just as he had so many other nights, but this time it was with him in his arms. _In love._

“I love you,” Potter said, as though he were reading Severus’ mind. “I know it may be hard to believe, but I swear I do.” 

Severus believed him, and that made all the difference, he realised as he once again leaned down to kiss Potter. None of his previous loves were able to provide Severus with the type of love he sought in return. The scales of his relationships were always tipped dramatically in the other’s favour. And even as he sought to deny it, Severus had known this all along.

But that was not the case with Potter. On any other day Severus would have called himself a naïve sop, but somehow, beneath the stars with Potter on this night, he knew this fact surer than he knew his own name. He could give everything he had to Potter, and Potter would give it all back to him, gladly, unabashedly, without shame. For the first time in his life, the scales would be balanced.

And so Severus pulled Potter close to him once more and kissed him deeply, welcoming the future that finally looked bright.

And lost himself.

Gladly. Unabashedly. Without shame.

With Potter.


End file.
